I stood on the balcony for a while tonight, just standing there, and I kept thinking: I want to stop. Not in any dark way. Just - stop. Turn the volume down. Pause the accumulation of things needing attention. Let the queue drain without putting anything new in it. I stood there breathing the cold air and imagining what it would feel like to not be expected anywhere, to not have a notification waiting, to not carry the low-level hum of being always available.

I think about this more than I used to. The fantasy of disappearing for a while. Not from people, exactly - from the constant state of being in motion toward something. There is always a next thing. There is no gap in the calendar that doesn't immediately get filled. I don't remember agreeing to the pace of this. I just gradually matched it and now I can't find a way to slow down without it feeling like failure. Is the idea of stopping something that crosses your mind? What would you need to feel like you were allowed to rest?