Something sad happened and I sat on the edge of the bed and waited to cry. I could feel it somewhere - this pressure, this heaviness behind the eyes. But nothing came. I sat there for maybe ten minutes just waiting. I even thought of specific things, tried to bring up specific moments. Still nothing. My face stayed completely still and the feeling stayed somewhere inside, separated from the surface of me by something I couldn’t get through.

I’ve spent years not crying in front of people. Not at work, not on calls, not online. I built a kind of wall between what I feel and what I show, and now I can’t find the door. The sad things still land. They’re just landing somewhere I can’t access anymore. I’m not numb - I know the difference. This is more like the feeling is fully there but the expression of it got blocked at the border. Have you ever had grief just sit in your chest for days without breaking? Like it has nowhere to go?