I started the SSRIs because I wanted to be someone better for you while we were together. My moods were too much, they said. I was too intense, too needy. So I swallowed pills and side effects, watching myself flatten into someone calmer, more stable. The MEDICATION::START was working, I thought. I was becoming the partner they deserved.

The first signs were in their distant eyes when I couldn't perform like before. The pills that steadied my mind numbed other parts of me. I tried to explain that this was temporary, that the doctor said it might happen. They nodded, said it was fine. Three weeks later they ended things. "It's not working," they said. Then I knew my best friend brought you to the. Now I'm back where I started, except this time with two empty spaces instead of one. I changed myself to keep them close, only to push them toward someone I trusted. The circle breaks, and I begin again.