I don't know when I stopped being able to be quiet. It happened gradually, the way a habit hardens into a requirement without announcing itself. First I started listening to podcasts on walks because it felt productive. Then during cooking. Then in the shower. At some point the audio became load-bearing and the silence underneath it became something I didn't want to touch.

Three weeks ago my phone died on the way to the coffee shop. Earphones in, nothing playing. Eight minutes of walking. For the first minute I felt the absence the way you feel a missing tooth with your tongue - kept reaching for it, almost took the earphones out to check. By minute three I heard the street differently. A bus, a dog, someone's conversation through a window, my own footsteps, the wind doing something specific to a row of trees. By minute seven I was uncomfortable in a way I couldn't quite name and also more present than I'd been in weeks.

I've been filling every gap for so long that I've forgotten what the gaps feel like. But they're not empty. They're where the thinking happens that doesn't get interrupted.

I got home and immediately put something on. The silence from the walk was already closing. I didn't sit with it, didn't let it continue into the apartment. I know what I did and I'm doing it again right now - there's something playing in the other room as I write this. I'm aware of it as a crutch and I'm using it anyway. When did you last spend an hour with no audio at all? Not asleep - awake, present, and quiet?