I stopped having problems to fix. I don't mean my life got better - I mean the part of me that was always scanning for something to correct went quiet, and the quiet was worse than anything it had been scanning for. I had spent years in motion, troubleshooting, adjusting, circling back. And then one day I circled back and there was nothing. No conflict to resolve. No feeling I was in the process of managing. Just a clean room where something used to live.

I didn't know a clean room could feel this much like a loss. I keep checking - running through old habits, opening the same mental drawers, looking for something I missed. There is nothing. The efficiency is total and so is the silence. I have become very well-organized around a center that isn't there anymore. Do you ever get the feeling you solved yourself out of something you needed? I keep waiting for a sign that I'm still in here.